Battle For Straight Rights Remembered With Field Of Markers For All Those Who Fought To Be Hetero

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Organizers are concerned they may soon run out of space to mark all those who gave their lives to be straight.

CHIPMAN – In a somber affair to mark the beginning of the 43rd week of the 12,752nd consecutive “Year Of The Straights,” Hetero Pride organizers unveiled a grim reminder to all those who have been persecuted for engaging in opposite-sex love: a field of markers to the fallen. 

Speaking to an entirely empty acreage reserved for the many casualties one presumes exist if there is such a pressing need to mark the importance of Straight Pride that they had to make a flag, and form an alliance, and generally distract from an actual, ongoing human rights battle, the leader of the movement, a Mr. Jonathan Kay, discussed how incredibly isolating and difficult his life had been growing up straight.

“I always knew I was the exact same as the majority of people I was surrounded by. Some of my earliest memories are of being encouraged to like girls, and then liking girls, and then being rewarded for liking girls, both through direct praise and societal reinforcements.” Here Kay is forced to pause, tearing up as he remembers the struggle.

“The scars of fitting perfectly into a heteronormative culture may never heal. The searing memories of proceeding through life in complete certainty that my sexuality was approved of by both God and country, may never fade. The pain of fitting in will never go away. And that is why we have Straight Pride Week. Every week. Forever.”

While organizers of this year’s festivities say they feel certain the battle for straight rights will never actually begin, they’re quick to add that they are taking zero chances, and equally ready to lustily shout their favoured chant: “We’re here. We’re fear. Get used to it.”

Following Mr. Kay’s brave speech, a moment of silence was held to mark all those who were publicly persecuted, harassed, or in some cases even killed for being straight. And also – as many of the gathered remarked – to remember the countless millions more through history, who were – and still are – forced to hide their straightness, and instead live closeted lives of unrequited love and loneliness due to societal norms beyond their control.

The silence was over before it began.


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