TORONTO – The Ontario PCs today announced that due to concerns regarding the amount of beer the average citizen of Ontario could conceivably purchase with a single hour’s worth of labour, they will be freezing the minimum wage at the handsome figure of 14 entire cans per hour.
“Which works out to approximately one container of low-grade suds for every 4.28 minutes worked,” said Jim Wilson, minister of economic development, and a former advocate of chugging it, chugging it, chugging it, but who now says people need to drink responsibly, and work cheaply. “And if an adult beverage every five minutes isn’t enough for you, well, ha ha, maybe you should just slow down a little there buddy, the night is young. As are some of your children. Who you will no longer receive any paid days off a year with which to look after when they’re sick. No further questions.”
While labour activists were quick to point out that many minimum-wage earners are not beer drinkers, and that basing earnings increases or decreases on a commodity that has been subsidized by the government is misleading at best, the Ontario PCs say that these complaints are nothing more than partisan spin.
“Beer is, as everyone knows, the fundamental underpinning to all major economic models in the modern world,” said Premier Ford, an expert in all things stout. “Why else would the world’s largest diamond company be named De Beers? What do you think the ‘cap’ in ‘italism’ goes on top of? Why does nearly every government on earth maintain a federal fizzerve? Because beer. And if 14 of those an hour isn’t enough for someone, then I think your entry level workers really need to ask themselves: how much of this can be chalked up to unhealthy levels of greed on my part?”
Incidentally, Mr. Ford is himself is worth an estimated 7 million cans.
The PCs announcement comes hard on the heels of a scathing study which found that by raising the minimum wage to within seeing distance of allowing entry-level workers to eat, the since-departed Wynne Liberals needlessly drove away less than zero businesses from the province.
Asked to comment on the rising cost of housing and childcare, and growing gap between the wealthy and the poor, the premier sighed and spread his arms as wide as they would go with his hands firmly jammed in his pockets.
“Let them drink beer.”