TORONTO – Speaking to a receptive audience of inanimate objects in a small broom closet in Queen’s Park earlier today, the Ontario PCs quietly announced their intention to sell off a small, under subscribed, inner-city school – the University of Toronto’s St. George campus. The ruling conservative party says the proceeds of the sale will be used to help ease the burden of the cost of gas for the province’s hardworking owners of three-row SUVs, and quad-cab pick-up trucks with 5.0-liter engines.
The PCs say that the august university – open since 1827 – likely won’t be missed because, “Most experts agree we are coming to the end of the functional need for higher education, as a future that doesn’t involve scavenging for food in the rubble of civilization now looks increasingly unlikely.” They added that the government intends to take advantage of the efficiencies gained by the end-times they themselves are hastening, working – as they promised – for the people. “The ones that are left, that is.”
Mr. Ford says the projected savings at the pump will be enough that if people insist on needing a diploma, they’ll now be able to commute to other provinces to get one.
“My friends,” the premier said, speaking to a shelf of floor-cleaning products, as Minister of Education Lisa Thomson nodded encouragingly from her seat on a box of paper towels, “For too long the University of Toronto has existed on the backs of the taxpayer, filling people’s heads with thoughts about climate change, and pluralism, and there being some sort of intrinsic value in investing in a future we can’t physically hold. The university has even gone so far as to inform me, in writing, that the word ‘folks’ isn’t spelled with an x. Imagine. Well, I’m here today, in this venerable cleaning chamber, to tell you – quietly – that their free ride is over.”
Although still in the initial stages of reviewing proposals for the choice land the university currently occupies, the PCs say early front-runners are a casino, a 300-pump gas station with on-site Tim Hortons and a drive-thru car dealership, or just a giant pile of burning books.
Addressing concerns raised by students midway through their school year that this could adversely affect their futures, Mr. Ford was succinct in his response.
“You aren’t going to need one of those where we’re going.”