Saying that he felt the Red Sox underperformed this year, and could have done much better had they been more ruthless on the field – and less concerned with making friends and being globally respected – U.S. President Donald Trump today stated that he hoped the 2018 World Series Champions managed to regroup and return to their former greatness next year.
“I think they left a lot of W’s on the table,” Trump said, discussing one of the winningest teams in MLB history, as he spoke to reporters about the matters most on his mind at this fractious moment in American political history: baseball and the striking similarities between himself and Abraham Lincoln.
“If I were in charge of that team I’d build a real winner. No trades that weren’t blatantly one-sided in our favour, and we’d cut the salaries of 24 of the players on the 25-man roster, so as to give David Price even more money. That’s how you get results. Piss everyone off and make them hate each other. Works like a charm. By the way, has anyone seen John Kelly lately?”
Despite Boston’s four championships in the last 15 years, Trump then went into an extended diatribe about the Ted Williams’ era of Red Sox baseball, and how ‘there’ was a great American. “Just something about his demeanour, and the way he looked,” the president said, “and his work ethic. Boy. You don’t see that in a lot of these players these days. They just don’t look like Ted Williams did out there.”
Trump also said he would conduct extensive background checks on anyone with a foreign sounding last name, saying that he felt like security concerns really dragged a lot of teams down during this year’s playoffs.
He then offered an interesting suggestion as to how the Red Sox could take a page from his own playbook.
“Threaten not to play. Why don’t teams ever just demand a win before they even walk on the field? Isn’t that the meaning of the term ‘playing hardball’? Everyone in the world is so confined to the old rules. It’s like they’ve forgotten what it’s like to win. Which is all that matters. And not just 108 games. Win it all, without even having to train. Just demand it. And threaten anyone who doesn’t just give it to you. And if all that doesn’t work, just say you won. Even when you didn’t. That’s how you’d make the Red Sox, or any other team, great again. I hope they’re listening. They’ll do a lot better next year if they are. Trust me.”