In a contest held by the horror specialists at Human Rights Watch, the U.S. Capitol Building was named the hands-down winner for most frightening House in America. It is the second time since President Donald Trump took office that the venerable structure – which has been burned, rebuilt, extended, restored, and is now occupied by blind albino termites – has been named the scariest building in the continental United States.
“It’s an incredibly frightening place at the moment,” said famed movie director Tim Burton, one of the many people who voted in this year’s contest. “Diabolical thinking hangs from the rafters, ignorance runs through the hallways in glowing green rivers, and the stale smell of an utter lack of caring for anyone other than themselves permeates everything. It’s one spooky joint.”
In a sign that the odd and appalling has become the norm in the center of American legislative power, the only way for tourists to gain entry to the building is now on one of the twice-hourly ghost walks.
“And here is where Brett Kavanaugh was appointed to the Supreme Court, for life, after being accused of sexual assault by multiple women, which he blamed on Hillary Clinton,” the Haunted Capitol guide said to a small group of tourists, as they passed through the building late on Halloween. The visitors gasped as they looked into the room where Lindsey Graham publicly impaled himself on the sharp end of white entitlement just weeks ago. The marks from where the senator dragged his privilege across the desk can still be seen. The tourists shudder as one, before moving on.
“And this is where repeated requests for the United States to stop detaining children have gone entirely ignored,” the guide described, as the group peered into a side entrance of the House Chamber, where legislators with easily-quieted consciences have filled the room with haunting declarations that there is little to be done about the thousands of migrant children currently being held by the United States. It was at this point that a number of the tour group members declared the agreed upon safe word, but the guide couldn’t hear their repeated shouts of “impeachment” over the loudly approaching spectre of Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
“The President in no way, form, or fashion, has ever promoted or encouraged violence,” the unseemly ghost of Lies Just Past wailed, as she moved through the halls in her purgatorial search for her father’s approval.
In her wake a horrifying racket was heard coming from down a darkened hall. It was the sound of semi-automatic machine gun fire. The group of visitors turned and began to run, ignoring their guide as he tried to explain that this was just the NRA ghouls, exercising their rights.
“Guns don’t kill people, people kill peoplllllllle,” was the last thing the tour heard, as they exited the scariest building in America, headlong onto Washington’s First St. Here they were greeted by a merchandise stand, selling them photos of the looks on their faces when they realized that the stories were true. $20 for a framed 5 x 7. And a free MAGA hat if you bought two.