Looking Pointedly At Nigel Farage, EU Votes To Ban Single-Use Politicians


Single-use politicians are increasingly being found lying, everywhere.

BRUSSELS – Citing studies that show 100% of the waste from single-use politicians ends up stuck in the throats of their electorate, as well as turtles (who also can’t resist trying to swallow weird new shit without asking a few hard questions first) the European Parliament today voted to phase out convenience leaders. The vote took place with Nigel Farage present, which led to the entire assembly staring long and hard in the direction of the UKIP Brexit backer throughout the motion. The new bill will be called the Initiative for a Farage-Free Future.

“The world can no longer afford to have political leaders who harness the divisive forces surrounding one particular issue in order to forward their own careers,” said EU President Jean-Claude Juncker, speaking to reporters following the vote. “Only to then escape out the window in the ensuing tornado of chaos they’ve unleashed, like an empty packet of crisps that bounces around the countryside for the next forty years reminding everyone that Fear of Immigrants & False Nostalgia is a really shit flavour, no matter how many pints of bitter you’ve had. Or are.”  

The ban is expected to take effect immediately, which has also led many to question whether Boris Johnson needs to bother getting dressed for work tomorrow.

“I mean, in fairness to Boris he’s been spectacularly wrong about many things other than Brexit,” said one Londoner, out for a quick rant. His second of the day. “So really, he’s sort of a reusable form of self-serving politician. Still, not exactly great for the national environment, is he? Or any other environment for that matter.”

The plan to ban disposable dildos from running for higher offices is being hailed by conservationists as a bold step towards preserving any semblance of sense in large Western democracies, and cutting down on the extreme amounts of waste caused by listening to political phalluses when they are in the process of fulfilling their sole purpose: cocking things up.  

The EU also used today’s parliamentary session to unveil the slogan for the new campaign: Reduce, Reuse, Recoil. 

While the Europeans are the first to formally legislate the eradication of single-use leaders, the initiative is receiving substantial attention globally, especially in the United States.

“Although I have to be honest,” said the recently defeated Democratic nomination for Texas Senator, Beto O’Rourke, looking pointedly in the direction of his nation’s capital. “Over here our problem is more with zero-use politicians.”

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