Jason Kenney And Doug Ford Go Halves On A Beach House On Baffin Island

The property will be called “No Plan Eh.”

An in-depth investigation by The Out And Abouter has revealed that two of Canada’s foremost deniers of looking out the window have gone in together on a tropical getaway on Baffin Island. In the Arctic Ocean. 

While initially denying that fact as well, both men are now admitting that they are indeed the J. Kenney, and DoFo listed on the deed for the land. 

“What’s wrong with wanting somewhere to grow old together? Especially as myself and my good friend Doug are currently doing everything we can to make sure we’re the last generation that gets to do that above ground,” said Kenney, always the chattier of the two. 

“My friends,” added Doug Ford. “You are not invited.” 

In what is surely no coincidence, climatologists estimate Baffin Island will be experiencing similar summers to the South of France by 2040, just in time for Kenney and Ford to watch overheating polar bears pant past their infinity pool, as they congratulate themselves on listening to the scientists on this one particular item – while pointedly ignoring them regarding all that “point of no return,” malarky. 

“It’s the next St. Tropez,” said Ford. “And once those polar ice caps I officially don’t believe are melting disappear, we’ll be able to wakeboard to Russia for lunch. Jason loves Borscht. And I love water sports.”

Plans for the house include hurricane shutters, large hydraulic rams for lifting it above flood levels and storm surges, and two-story fences surrounding the property – to keep out the millions of climate change refugees expected to have vacated most of the coastal United States in the coming decades, pouring north into Canada in a movement whose irony will provide no satisfaction to anyone. Not even the grim kind. 

“Jason and I never said the world isn’t getting warmer,” Premier Ford said, cornered outside of Queen’s Park by a pack of snowball-wielding teenagers, after both the environment and young people realized they were going to have to take matters into their own hands. “What we said was we don’t like taxes. Or alternative plans. Or science.”

“But I tell you one thing we do like,” the premier threw over his shoulder, as he dropped his briefcase into an Escalade, and then hopped in a second SUV for himself. “Summer homes in the Arctic Circle. Last one north is a Liberal!”

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