Venus Wishes It Got Probed A Little More Often

Always the fly-by, never the destination, Venus admits to feeling a little neglected.

VENUS – “I’m not saying I need an expedition every night or anything,” the opaque, spinning mystery of a planet says, as she glides silently along her arcing trajectory through space. Alone. “But it would be nice to get a little action around here every once in a while.”

After 4.5 billion earth years rotating around a medium-sized star – without even a moon for company, much less anyone putting a ring on her – Venus is speaking out. 

“What does Mars have that I don’t?” she asks, somewhat wistfully, somewhat accusingly. “Sure I’ve heard that red planets have all the fun. But what does that even mean? People shouldn’t be intimidated by my cloudy exterior, because let me tell you: there is a burning surface of hot love down here just waiting to be discovered.”

Long neglected by the inhabitants of Earth, Venus has mostly received fly-bys in the years since humans achieved space maturity, and started firing probes in all directions. While some of these attempts at hooking up lasted significant periods of time – the European Space Agency still has a craft orbiting the lonely planet – Venus says none of these aloof contacts were particularly enjoyable.

“The Europeans named their visit to me the Express, and it didn’t even attempt to land! I mean, c’mon. Where is my Curiosity? When will I get roved? I don’t want telephoto lenses taking pictures of me from the edges of my property. I want landings on my polar regions, touch downs at my equator, and then maybe sharing a volcano together while we watch the sun rise backwards for three whole Earth days.”

While many planets in the solar system report declining probe-lives, Venus says it’s been especially difficult for her as she’s had to watch Mars and Earth go at it, in increasingly public displays of affection. 

“It’s just like, get a moon already.”

The planet also says that being named after the goddess of love, sex, beauty, and fertility by the Romans hasn’t made things any easier. 

“I think there’s this assumption that I’m getting a lot of intergalactic attention. Well I’m sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but that is simply not the case. Sure, there’ve been some asteroids that rocked my world. But those were always much too wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am for my liking. I’m looking for a major expedition. Someone who wants to discover my crust, mantle, and core, you know? Is that too much to ask?”

3 replies »

  1. Before the landing, they showed clips of NASA at another landing. I’m not flying on anything where the crew celebrates a safe landing like that!!


  2. Come on Venus, really.
    Stop playing hard to get with your mystery covering and bare it all like Mars does.
    Just get naked and here we come.


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