Canada To Award Jared Kushner The Medal Of Yellow Snow


The accolades just keep rolling in for Jared.

OTTAWA – In a move that has caused widespread satisfaction amongst Canadians of all political stripes and leanings, the Trudeau Liberals today announced their intention to publicly reward Jared Kushner for his longstanding work on behalf of Jared Kushner, with one of Canada’s strangest honours: the possibly derogatory Medal of Yellow Snow.

“As a former resident of New Jersey we trust Mr. Kushner is familiar with that particular shade of snow, and will be aware of how very special it is, particularly when exchanged between friends,” the Prime Minster said, in an address made in the House of Commons, to surprisingly large amounts of laughter given the seriousness of the occasion. 

The decision marks just the third time the official Frozen Urine Puck of Canada has been awarded, with the two previous bestowals going to equally well-liked Americans: Roseanne, and Conrad Black.

In a move that seemed almost deliberate, Canada insisted that the medal could only be awarded on Friday, at the G20 summit in Buenos Aires, and at the exact same time that Mr. Kushner is currently scheduled to receive Mexico’s highest honour for being slightly less horrible than his father-in-law. He was expected to be joined by the 7 billion other people who also qualified for the award. 

“It certainly puts Mr. Kushner in a difficult position,” said noted Canadian political pundit, Doug McKenzie. “Do ya show up and become just the turd person to ever get the rank ribbon? Or does he go ahead and let 7 billion people down like he has so many times before? I dunno. I say take the ribbon.”

At the time of going to press Kushner had not responded to repeated requests by The Out and Abouter for comment on whether he intended to receive his Yellow Snow in person, or would prefer to have it airmailed to him at a later date.  

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