In an exclusive, the Out and Abouter has obtained an advanced copy of a report by the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America (First Edition), that reveals a startling fact about the superpower’s supposedly benign neighbours: Canadians own millions of feet knives. And they sharpen them regularly.
Ostensibly used for transport across frozen water, as many as 8 out of 10 Canadians reportedly own their own pair of sole scimitars, and – in one of the most startling revelations of the communique – children as young as two or three are often given the lethal boots FOR CHRISTMAS. In fact, the smaller a child is, the more blades they have on their feet – in what appears to be a government program to turn little Canadians into tiny, parka-ed, kick assassins.
“Obviously this raises a lot of questions about how a cleverly hidden, guerrilla training program was allowed to happen on our very doorstep,” said CIA Director Gina Haspel. “An early analysis indicates that by pretending to need the boot daggers to play their favourite sports, Canadians opened a series of Shaolin Temples of Frozen Fury (which they call ‘rinks’) right under our eyes. The investigation into how, and why, our otherwise well-behaved allies have done this continues, but I must say: pretty effin’ carefully.”
“Well it certainly puts figure-skating in a new light,” added noted American security expert, General Sherman. “I mean, we have ice dancers here in the U.S. too of course, but they’re subjected to background checks and can’t take their velvet cutlasses outside of a registered skating range. Because: safety. As far as we can determine, in Canada, any old psycho, teenager, or middle-aged person looking to destroy what’s left of their knees, can buy themselves a shiny new pair of loafer lancets at a place called ‘Canadian Tire’.
The general went on to state that it was his recommendation that the United States use their advanced weaponry to preventatively take out these warehouses of death and good deals, “Before we’re overrun by millions of smiling, hot-chocolate-swilling insurgents wearing shank sneakers.”
Reached for comment, a representative of the Canadian embassy in Washington was suspiciously dismissive of the CIA’s concerns, at one point laughing good-naturedly for more than two minutes before asking if this was a serious call.
“That’s all part of their training,” said Sherman, who listened in on the call, and afterwards said it gave him the shivers. “Be nice until they see the whites of your eyes, and then ask if you want to play a friendly game of shoe swords. Winner gets North America.”