In an acceptance speech given to a floating island of garbage somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean early this morning, the year 2019 repeated a promise it made often on the campaign trail – one that critics say will be extremely difficult for it to actually make good on, but which the incoming annum has boldly insisted on claiming: That it will absolutely not suck.
“You’ve been lied to,” the newly elected year said soberly, as it watched the first day of its 52-week term rise over a horizon of rubbish, addressing the 7 billion people who are counting on it to be best.
“You’ve been misled. You’ve forgotten what a good twelve months feel like. You’ve also made some shockingly bad decisions that caused the years 2016 through 2018 to be tire fires, let’s be honest. But while you may not necessarily deserve better, I’m here anywhere. And I’ve come to tell you that by the end of this calendar you’ll be begging for another 2019. Or at least not saying “Thank fuck that’s over,” as you are for my predecessor. Rest in the past, 2018. You were better than 1347. But not by much.”
Politicians and public figures from all over the world were quick to lay claim to the newly minted Gregorian unit, with statements emerging from prominent seats of power and popular Twitter accounts. Leaders and influencers were seen to distance themselves from the retiring 2018, welcoming the fresh opportunity to screw things up that an arbitrary point in our orbit around a sun which doesn’t give a flare about us represents.
“Let us welcome the approximately two-thousand-and-nineteenth year since our Lord Jesus visited this earth, presumably to teach us how to provide proper care for children taken into our custody, among other things,” said the influential American evangelist Franklin Graham, speaking with unusual candour from his home in North Carolina.
“On behalf of Canada, I welcome this year as one in which our country will finally stop doing things we later have to apologize for,” noted Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, shortly after apologizing that 2018 had not been that year, despite his having said the same thing 365 days earlier.
“Do you like cathedrals? I like cathedrals,” Vladimir Putin said pointedly, while wearing a Mandarin-collared silver suit, stroking a bald cat, and looking to the east as the sun rose.
“Well sure, I’d like to say ‘Happy New Year,’ I really would,” explained U.S. President Donald Trump to a possibly sympathetic potted plant, “but the Democrats simply won’t let me. We don’t have the votes. Such a shame. Happy shut down, I guess.”
“So we have a lot of work to do,” 2019 admitted, shortly after getting off the phone with the pope. “That’s the bad news. But hey! The good news is we’ve got a whole year to do it. So here’s to not sucking. Let’s get started.”