A Canadian research vessel has made a Daliesque discovery in the waters north of Hawaii today. Apparently unhappy with being hunted by small, angry bipedals with poor environmental hygiene, whales have decided to take matters into their own fins, and developed what appears to be a space program.
Although the large cetaceans have yet to officially confirm their intentions, experts say they seem ready to GTFO, ASAP.
“Certainly this finding defies logic, reason, and all previously gathered information on the celestial aspirations of whales – which held that they had none,” said a joint statement released by NASA, NOAA and the WWF; presented to a still-skeptical public today at noon.
“But we simply cannot ignore the clear evidence, discovered early this morning by the Canadian research vessel CCGS Tommy Douglas, that an apparent coalition of various whale species have a fully operational space program based on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Nor can we pretend that if you stop and think about the many reasons those large aquatic animals, along with every other living thing on Earth, has for wanting to quit this people-infested planet, you really can’t blame them.”
While at this stage no one is entirely sure how the whales managed to breach straight over the stone, bronze, and iron ages – arriving directly at the cusp of interplanetary space travel – experts agree it probably isn’t a very good sign for the rest of us.
“Whales are generally sedate creatures with no opposable thumbs. They like to sieve for food; take long, languorous dives; and find driving stressful, which is why you see so few of them on the roads,” said noted cetologist, Dr. Bae Ruth. “So the fact that these creatures have gotten motivated enough to construct a spacecraft suited to their particular aquatic needs, with which they seem ready to seek out new oceans in a better galactic neighbourhood, should cause us all to pause and consider just what sort of neighbours we’ve been.”
An intercepted subsea communication, recorded this morning in the vicinity of the “Whaleship Exitprise” (as the almost unfathomably real craft is now being called) appears to indicate Dr. Bae is correct.
“Caroooooooo, oooooooooo, oooooooooooooouuuuuuuu,” a humpback whale is heard to sing repeatedly, in what researchers say could be a sign she is practicing an important speech. A rough decoding of the message, performed by the Hawai’i Institute of Marine Biologists would seem to confirm this.
“That is one small interplanetary move for whales,” the translation states. “One giant fuck yooooooooooouuuu to the self-centred, hairless, blunt-tooths who destroyed this planet.”