In what is believed to be the first case of an American libertarian having a completely obstructed sense of the absurd operated on by government-trained doctors – in a publicly funded system whose existence the patient himself has referred to as “slavery” – Rand Paul is travelling to Canada this week for an irony bypass.
“Oh, it’s a life-altering surgery,” says Dr. Aru Seweuss, lead Sardonicologist at the Shouldice Centre For Deep Vein Sarcasm, in Thornhill, Ontario. “Many of our patients report experiencing an 80-90% increase in the quality of their sense of the absurd following the operation, and in some cases a complete recovery of the individual’s ability to realize they are an ass is achieved. It’s really quite remarkable.”
Seweuss is quick to allay the fears, being voiced in both the Canadian and American media today, that Mr. Paul – who has frequently criticized socialized healthcare as being an unfair burden on the millions of people who annually avoid crippling debt through its Machiavellian fairness – will get a free ride in the very system he has held up as an example of governmental overreach.
“Oh no. He’ll be getting a bill alright,” the doctor says, squinting at a price chart, as he blows the dust off of the document. “Between the procedure, the cost of a state-of-the-art self awareness monitor that he’ll have surgically attached to the back of his neck; and then the aftercare, in which we teach him how to experience empathy all on his own, he’s looking at a bill that could well cost … as much as 1/10-billionth the amount of the tax cut his government recently passed to benefit the wealthy.”
But the surgery is not without its challenges.
“That the best irony surgeons in the world are in a nation currently classed as a security threat by his government, was an initial concern of Mr. Paul’s,” says Seweuss’s assitant, Dr. Wata Toule. “And even after he managed to get past that, Rand remained unable to see that utilizing publicly-trained doctors, operating in a hospital that exists entirely thanks to a universal healthcare system, which – once again – he has criticized, might come across as being preternaturally ridiculous.”
At this point the doctor looked up from her notes on the senator’s case, and then added, with the hint of a smile.
“But that’s the beauty of an irony bypass. The patient doesn’t see the absurdity of their actions until afterwards. When there’s no going back.”