Rest Of Canada Settles Into An Enjoyable Evening Of Watching Toronto Battle 15 cm Of Snow

11683601 - couple watching tv in their living room

A Regina couple, wondering if Toronto is going to call in the army this year.

As the city of Toronto came to grips with an expected dumping of nearly 150 millimetres of snow – right in the middle of winter, of all seasons, when it will be hardest to deal with the frozen precipitation – the rest of Canada settled into another enjoyable episode of: It’s Snowing In Toronto, And They Are Freaking The F**k Out. 

In what has become an annual winter tradition, text messages flew back and forth across the many places in Canada that are not Toronto today, as couples and groups of friends made plans to watch the more than 6 million people who call the GTA (Greatest Town Allegedly) home, attempt to simply get from one place to another. BUT IN THE SNOW.

“We were hoping to get a table at one of the sports bars,” said Jack Gershwin, of Edmonton, Alberta, “But those were all booked up, what with it being a chance to watch Toronto suffer and all. So instead we’re just going to have to settle for ordering pizzas and watching it on Pay-Per-View.”

“It’s like every winter is their first,” added Greta Feargood, in Winnipeg, Manitoba, with a mixture of incredulousness and envy, as she stood in front of her seasonal ice palace in a full-body Sorel boot. “And, bless their hearts, every year they seem unable to decide whether to take a picture or just give up.”

From the opposite end of the thermometer – but no less enthusiastic about joining in on the fun at Toronto’s expense – were the many B.C. residents who took to social media to discuss how great life is in a place where water retains its self-clearing properties 97% of the year.

“I could smell things outside today, as usual.” said a Twitter user named @GetInTheVan, presumably from that coastal city. “Trying to decide whether to wear my lightweight jacket out, or just put on a sweater. Screw it, I’m going to stay in and watch Toronto disappear.”

And from Montreal came a particularly frozen barb, directed at their frozen frères and sœurs to the west, as they struggled their way out from under snow that may yet reach the top of the curb. 

“Raptors are going to need to update their slogan,” said @JoyeuxChapelle. “To, ‘We The Never Ready For The North.'”


For more sub-zero satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.


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4 replies »

  1. “…full-body sorel boot” indeed. I wish I had your descriptive power. Thanks for making some Canadians merely human, rather than the snow-fighting super humans I imagined.


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