Taking time out of running arguably the most successful nation in history into the ground, through a combination of cannibalistic policies and intercontinental ballistic idiocy, U.S. President Donald Trump today warned that a severe and horrific fate awaits any nation that dares to follow Canada’s lead in attempting to care equally for all of their citizens: being voted the most liveable country in the world.
“We already have over 800 million Hondurans trying to get into this country,” the president said from the Oval Office today, as he slammed a clementine-sized fist down on the Resolute desk, making a noise like a snowflake hitting a warm car.
Trump then invited a small group of reporters, summoned to listen to his latest pearls of dimdom, to imagine the hordes of people wanting to access the United States if his nation started acting like Canada, attempting to give everyone a life free from the crippling concern that their next illness could bankrupt them.
“Hell, if we improved our education system a bit, and guaranteed a little maternity leave, we could easily end up being voted one of those ‘Most Livable Countries’ people are always talking about,” Trump said, rubbing his temples with the stress that such a prospect presented.
“Which may sound great to some progressives, but have they considered what we’d have to do to top getting an honour like that? Have they ever thought about what happens after reaching those heights as a country? No. Like all Liberals they only think about others.”
The surreally bad leader’s hypothetical scenario (of the United States undertaking a governing approach that benefits the many rather than the few – something that has yet to occur in the nation’s 242 years of existence) remains a major concern amongst his base.
“Kainada?” a man says, pausing while filling his car at a Kentucky gas station, spitting out the name of his northern neighbour like it’s a mix of typhoid and antifreeze. “Do I look like someone who wants to be polite and happy?”
“I heard up there you need to have a reason to buy a gun, and your taxes are based on how much money the government thinks you should have made that year, rounded up to the nearest million,” adds a man from the next pump over, shuddering at the thought of becoming a socialism. Whatever one of those is.
Despite as many as 7 out of 10 Americans facing diminishing economic prospects when compared with the generation before them – even as the number of billionaires in the nation become as plentiful as $100 million yachts anchored off of Nantucket on the 4th of July – Americans remain wary of becoming just another people’s republic of snow communists. As the second man to speak up at the Lexington Exxon put it:
“Don’t you think that if I wanted to live somewhere with a first world infant mortality rate, and reasonable expectation of equality amongst all citizens, I’d have moved by now?”