US And Canada Ground All Guns Until Safety Experts Can Determine Why Anyone Needs One

After millions of deaths, all guns finally grounded until further notice.

Following the terrible concurrency of a mass shooting in New Zealand and an aviation disaster in Ethiopia – both leading to horrifying loss of life, and both leading to immediate and significant steps taken to prevent their tragedies from being repeated – Canadian and American authorities today announced that they would be combining the lessons learned from these incidents, and grounding all guns until someone can come up with a single good reason why a civilian needs one.

“If a plane malfunctions and kills its passengers, it’s grounded,” said Roger Swift, director of the Canadian Centre for Continued Existence. “And if a shooter uses a people-killing machine to kill people, in New Zealand they take those away. It makes sense. What does not make sense is meeting a public safety hazard with an official government policy of hoping really hard it doesn’t happen again.”

Swift also responded to complaints from the many legal Canadian gun owners who have not perpetrated crimes with their hardware.

“Simply provide a good reason why you need your gun and we will be happy to consider your application. An example of something that might meet our requirements would be your gun possessing the ability to blast a hole in the space-time continuum. One that leads to a place free of hate, paper cuts, and stubbed toes. A reason that will not be approved is you like collecting them. Try stamps, as there has yet to be a mass-licking leading to an extensive loss of life.”

And, incredibly, American counterparts of the Canadian safety agency agree. 

“Guns are grounded until further notice,” said Fred Mercury, the director of the newly-created American Agency for Keeping People Alive. “If you like marksmanship, allow me to introduce the bow and arrow. Consider yourself a fan of loud noises? Our research indicates Slayer is still on tour. Or are you worried about having to defend yourself from someone else who has a gun? How can I put this? You are exactly the kind of person who should never have a gun. Now give them up. And no, we aren’t interested in the temperature of your hands.”

“It’ll never work,” said professional G.I. Joe collector and part-time NRA leader, Oliver North, “Clearly the only way to improve safety is to flood the market with ever more lethal weaponry. Just as when you fill your backyard with razor wire and cobras to keep your child safe, so too having a bump-stocked handgun in every teacher’s desk drawer is the intuitive path to achieving our dreams of peace in this violent world.” 

“I’d be very interested in discussing this further with Mr. North,” says Mercury, after being informed of the gun guy’s response. “Might I suggest he catch a Boeing 737 Max to my offices here in this asbestos factory, where we can enjoy some fresh water out of these lovely lead pipes while chatting about the limits of government regulation when it comes to saving lives.”

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