In what is already being described by Premier Doug Ford as “the darkest day in the long history of the great fiefdom of Ontario,” police today revealed that they have discovered a heinous plot. Allegedly being perpetrated by thousands of teachers across the province, the scheme reportedly has just one odious objective: to fight for the rights of children, of all backgrounds, to receive the best possible education they can get.
“A consortium of teachers have been caught attempting to advocate on behalf of the education system,” stated a shocking press release issued today by the OPP. “While we’re still investigating what the possible motivations behind this desire to see kids become the best possible versions of themselves might be, at this stage in our investigation we believe it is somehow related to wanting to build a better world. Precisely why remains unclear.”
“I don’t even know where to start,” said Ford, pushing through his understandable revulsion at the idea that public servants had been caught attempting to act in the best interest of the public, as he addressed reporters at a packed midday press conference.
“Sick. It’s just sick,” the premier continued, appearing to give up on his scripted notes to instead speak directly from his small, dark, raisin of a heart.
“This gang of teachers, who call themselves Faculty Members, whatever the hell that means, have taken it upon themselves to illegally have opinions about my cuts to education. Which they categorize as arbitrary, imperceptive, regressive, and perniciously detrimental. All of which, I am told, are bad things.”
Ford was forced to pause at this point, to allow for the waves of nausea at the thought of multi-syllabic words being used to express coherent ideas to pass.
“Like I said,” he eventually continued, still looking unwell, “These people, with their peaceful protests, insistence on caring for the most vulnerable among us, and long working days for low pay, are just plain sick.”
With many members of the gang of teachers openly congregating in front of Queen’s Park today, while appearing to enjoy much greater public support than the ruling PC party itself, it would seem that in the cabal of professional mentors, Doug “Reading Is Fer Wusses” Ford has met his match.
“That’s right,” one protesting teacher said, flashing the gang’s sign – a heart made with both hands placed onto the forehead – in response to being asked if she was a member of the Excellent Education For All Cartel.
“I’ve been living the hug life for over twenty-five years. Raised in the welcoming rows of the libraries, educating children is all I’ve ever really known. And now this government is saying it wants to increase class sizes and cut thousands of teaching jobs, all in the name of funneling money into its boondoggle transportation schemes, cheap beer, lawsuits, pimp-mobiles, and vanity licence plates. And, perhaps more to the point, to continue the PC’s process of governance by revenge, as they look to settle a score with the teachers after we sided with the NDP in the last election.”
She pauses and looks up at Queen’s Park, the rounded red brick building casting a lengthening shadow to the east, as the sun sets on the April afternoon.
“To which I say this: Hate the teacher if you must, but you leave those kids alone.”