ALL THE WORLD (A STAGE) – “What is this shit?” It’s a question that billions of people have asked themselves over the past 36 months, as they watched ever-stranger characters being paraded into the highest offices of numerous countries, and – witnessing the rapid unravelling of centuries’ worth of social, political, and technical progress – have been asked to simply accept that a civilization which seemed to have been heading in a mostly positive direction, has suddenly just become too dumb to survive.
“Who’s the orange guy?” many have been heard to ask, as a deeply unpopular character arrived recently on stage. “As if a country as powerful as the United States would vote for a man so nihilistic he refuses to learn to spell. Also, what the hell is going on in the UK? That spin-off sucks. It’s literally just Theresa May trying to sweat and smile at the same time, Monday to Friday, with the occasional weekend special. And when did Vladimir ‘Have Some Tea Old Friend’ Putin become the good guy? That is some radioactively bad writing right there.”
It’s these examples of lazy plot development on the part of the writers of Civilization As We Know It that fans/residents of the longest running show in history have taken exception with; and caused them to initiate what is believed to be the largest petition ever. One that has been signed by everyone who isn’t making billions off this shite, or been suckered into siding with those who are.
A wildly popular program that is now entering its 5,519th season – and has seen its viewership steadily swell from the 10 million souls who took in its inaugural episode in 3500 BCE, to over 7.7 billion people – Civilization AWKI has struggled in recent years to connect with its base, many of whom think the writing quality has taken a decidedly idiotic turn, and that the show also has way too many commercials.
“Every time I turn around its ‘buy this car,’ ‘get this phone,’ ‘ignore these shitty leaders we’re giving you and just eat this energy snack,'” said a Montreal resident who confirmed he had signed the petition, along with 99.99979% of all the people on Earth, everywhere. “The irony of taking away my rights but giving me a power bar is just too much. I don’t know about you, but I feel like after all we’ve put into this, which is everything, we deserve a little better.”
While it’s unclear what effect the petition might have – the writers of Civilization have always been anonymous, and are rumoured to have been replaced with an AI text generator based on old episodes of The Flintstones and Gilligan’s Island – fans say they had to do something.
“The writing has gotten so bad that most of my friends can’t even watch anymore,” said a woman in Denver, scanning the headlines of a row of newspapers at her local corner store. “I think we all understand that everything has a season, and ergo a finale as well. But please. Just don’t let it be one as stupid as this.”