Primal screams filled the usually muted environs of Buckingham Castle’s western greeting hall, as the Queen, in camouflage exercise tights, and a black sweatshirt with bold pink letters reading “Nasty Majesty,” worked through her daily self-defence routine early this morning. The sovereign head of the United Kingdom was grimly preparing for U.S. President Donald Trump’s upcoming visit. And she was taking no chances.
“Clavicle smash with the edge of your hand, kick to the groin, knee to your orange assailant’s forehead. Walk away.” Connor McGregor clapped his hands as he coached the Queen, the former UFC star’s Irish accent echoing in the gilded chambers. “That’s it. Swagger. Stalk around him. Fake a punch to Melania, get her cringing. Good, now back to Trump. Stand over him like Ali. Make him wish he never ran for office, much less thought he could come over here after slagging off our nutmeg, Ms. Meghan Markle.”
The uptick in intensity of the Queen’s hand-to-hand combat training comes after Trump took the unusual step of endorsing Boris Johnson for “president, king, or whatever those tea-spillers call their leader,” before going on to call Markle nasty; leading to the immediate deployment for Mar-A-Lago of a U.K. warship full of marines with stern looks.
While already well-versed in the subtle arts of putting a visiting boor in his place via deft royal slights such as not blinking, drinking her Pimms without ice, and galloping around the room on a white horse while blowing a hunting bugle, the Queen also appears ready to take matters into the hardened edges of her lethal hands.
Finishing off her routine with McGregor by reducing a large punching bag to a shredded pile of leather and stuffing, the 93-year-old monarch turned and walked calmly out of the greeting hall. She paused at the doorway, adjusted her cardigan, wiped a single bead of perspiration off her brow, and without turning back into the room said quietly over her shoulder:
“It ain’t bragging if you can back it up.”