LONDON – In perhaps the most moving speech ever given in a chamber that has faced some of the most fearsome and ferocious challenges a nation has ever stared down, Boris Johnson today stood before the parliament of the United Kingdom, and promised to lead his country out of the smoldering remains of the scorched earth leadership bid of one Boris Johnson.
“Leavers, remainers, countrymen,” the mop-headed power-bandit said, as he looked up at the oak-lined walls of the august hall, and idly wondered how much he could sell those for, should push come to shove with this whole ‘market collapse’ business. “Lend me your tears. With Nige as my witness, I stand before you now to promise you that I will save you from the intractable mess Boris Johnson landed you in, or my name isn’t Alexander de Pfeffel Johnson. Known to my friends as Boris.”
Reactions amongst the public outside of Westminster ran the gamut between a desire to throw many, many, milkshakes; and utter disenchantment with the peroxide plonker
“Bloody wonk-haired wanker, that’s what he is,” said a diminutive older lady wearing a smart jacket and sensible shoes, as she kept an eye on her impeccably groomed Doberman. “He’s like the guy who slashes your tires, and then tells you he’s got a great deal on Goodyears if you’ll just let him tow you all the way back to feudal England. But I don’t even own a car.”