Scientists taking core samples at a remote location in Antartica have made a shocking – but probably not significant – discovery: Dinosaurs. Obese ones. Trapped in SUVs with just one dino driver in most of the vehicles. And stuck in a traffic jam that appears to have been caused by a lunch time rush at an ancient fast food drive-thru.
Not far from this find the team also came across a prehistoric airport, at which airplanes full of pterodactyls in holiday attire still stood. Many of the passengers were found wearing red ‘Make Pangea Great Again’ hats.
“Sure it’s an interesting find,” said the team’s leader, Dr. Fuxache, a veteran of numerous expeditions to the rapidly thawing continent. “But I can’t imagine how discovering that the terrible lizards actually over-consumed themselves into extinction has any bearing on our own careful existence, harmonious as it is with the natural order around us.”
In a tragic twist, immediately after saying these words the doctor died of extreme sarcasm.
As the news rippled around the world, many asses with heads up them were quick to point out that the discovery of this ancient Highway To The Danger Zone, doesn’t necessarily rule out an asteroid bringing about the dinosaur’s ultimate demise.
“It remains entirely possible that death from above came while they were all waiting to order double-sauropod burgers with extra bones on their lunch break, thumbing through Screecher while listening to scaly pundits deny that the planet’s rapid warming had anything to do with the dinosaur’s own addiction to wood-powered televisions,” said Timothy McRonalds, spokesperson for Earth First, We’ll Mine The Other Planets Later.
“And if that was the case, then it would be reasonable to assume the dinosaurs’ final thoughts were: ‘Thank God we didn’t try to live sustainably before this timely asteroid came along and saved us from running out of everything.'”
But the team that made the discovery was quick to refute this line of “thinking.”
“It appears the dinosaurs were trapped in their cars by a once-a-millennium flood, the second that week, which drowned them in their alligator-skin interiors,” said Dr. Ken Wi Stawp, assistant to the recently-deceased Fuxache. “Then, still entombed in their all-wheel drive coffins, the corpses of the dinosaurs show signs of having been burnt in a massive forest fire; before being rocked by a powerful earthquake, likely caused by a nearby fracking installation.”
“But sure,” Dr. Wi Stawp said quietly, looking out over what were once assumed to be empty ice fields, and are now known to be an ancient dinosaur graveyard of their own making.
“None of that can possibly have any pertinence to humans. After all, we would never drown while waiting in line for a fast food drive-thru. We have apps for that.”