Breaking: Alberta Has Been Secretly Hiding Hordes Of Normal People


Footage has emerged of a large group of Albertans who do not wish to strip the Earth of every last resource. Confusingly, and reassuringly, they also call themselves Albertans.

In a stunning development for a province that many Canadians had dismissed as being 90% badlands, and 10% poor urban planning, Alberta today pulled an ace out of its yellow vest when it produced a teeming throng of actual normal people to stand with climate activist Greta Thunberg, as she politely submitted her request for a future. 

“We drove in from Lethbridge to be here today,” shouted a woman over the din of her fellow supporters, all of whom claimed to both love their province AND the planet, something that Alberta’s current premier, Jason Kenney, has repeatedly assured the voters here simply isn’t possible. 

“Just because this province is the single largest exporter of assholes in Canada, doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of people living here who care about things like the environment, human rights, social equality, and even grammar,” the mother of two said, as she passed her eyes over the humming horde of happy humanitarians.

While experts have long theorized about the existence of normal people in Canada’s second province once removed from the Pacific Ocean – pointing to such evidence as the election of Rachel Notley, and existence of Jann Arden, Jarome Iginla, and Joni Mitchell – many of these theoretical ‘norms’ have recently moved to LA, or gone to ground, making their detection difficult.

“We picked up a faint distress signal over downtown Calgary earlier this summer,” said Tommy Trudope (no relation) head of the Centre For Not Mining Ourselves Extinct, a non-profit based in Winnipeg. “But by the time we got a team in there to make contact, the closet-carers were gone, blending back into the surrounding populace like sea birds in an oil slick.”

It was when they heard that Greta Thunberg intended to visit Canada’s largest province (by entitlement per capita) that Mr. Trudope knew that this was going to be their chance to capture actual footage of the elusive Non-Aggressive Albertan.

“And just look at it would you?” said Tommy, spreading his arms out over the colourful scene of people waving banners of hope in the mid-autumn light.

“Yes, this province is famous for petty pricks like Jason Kenney, Ezra Levant, and Ted Fucking Cruz (that’s his actual middle name so please include it in your article), with their tiny, and quite literally non-renewable, ideas.”

“But it’s also home to K.D. Lang. And a lot of people who care about the future of this planet.”





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8 replies »

  1. This, sadly, is not news. We’ve been living in Alberta for decades … we vote and then talk about how the Cons are going to win. But we never vote Conservative. We started the Pembina Institute – that’s the first conglomerate to take real issue with the ‘tar sands’. We balk at the incompetence of our politicians, unable to hold polluters to the fire. We boo the gas guzzling road hogs and don’t think ATVs should be driven in the middle of the cities. We worry about topsoil quality on farms and how much land has been wasted due to oil wells. This was never news. It’s simply something that, for some reason, doesn’t matter.


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