Following a leak earlier this week of the next Scottish referendum question (“Should we not just fuck right off with Iceland, Greenland, and Canada, and form an alliance of The Fecking Sane? Aye or Aye?”) the northernmost country in the United Kingdom, and equally polar-proximal nation of Canada, have reportedly entered into talks to formalize a binding agreement that much of the rest of the world Are/Arr Off/Aff Their/Thare Bleedin’/Frickin’ Heads/Heids.
For Scotland, the sudden interest in a Really North Atlantic Treaty stems from the recent British elections, which saw the majority of the UK vote in favour of Getting Brexit Done – while the Scots themselves voted to continue to have things like jobs, groceries, and Europeans.
For their part, the Canadians say they’re just looking forward to doing business with someone who speaks intelligibly. It is believed to be the first time the Scots have been called this by anyone ever, and the kilted country has already asked the Canadians if they wouldn’t mind posting that as a comment on their national TripAdvisor page. 36 million times. Ta.
“We’ve come togethah teh-day as tooh of the fyou rrahmaining nations that apparruntly stuhl believe in wild ideahls like facktss, and myouchuahl rrrespeckt,” said Scotland’s First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, addressing reporters outside the Reykjavík resort where she and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau were co-hosting the Meetings For Northern Countries Not Led By Utter Cunts.
“First Minister Sturgeon says we’ve come together today as two of the few remaining countries that still believe in wild ideals such as facts and mutual respect,” Prime Minister Trudeau dutifully translated for the assembled, as Sturgeon nodded along empathetically.
Experts say the main sticking points on an alliance between the two nations will likely centre around: Bagpipes (the Scots want to export them to Canada, Canada has said they can just send them to Australia thanks), haggis (currently listed on Canada’s no-fly list), and curling (Scotland still holds four of Canada’s five best curlers in their prisons, following the Great Brier Cup Brawl of 2006).
But these minor matters are likely to pale in comparison to the commonalities, and sense, shared between the Canadians and Scots. As Trudeau said to the Scottish contingent later, in an intimate meeting between himself, three or four high ranking officials, and everyone on Earth listening in via a directional microphone hidden in a potted plant, “It’s a lonely job being the sensible hat on a mad man wrapped in a flag. It’s good to have some company.”