“The Canadians are laughing at us, I repeat, the Canadians are laughing at us,” came the voice over the PA system at a top secret American base, as the US scrambled to contain the existential threat. Sirens began to blare, and red lights spun, as word travelled through the ranks that Canada had done the unthinkable, and edited a made-for-TV movie.
President Trump (who appears in the film the Canadians terrorized, for seven of the greatest seconds of a man simultaneously wearing clothes and speaking ever recorded) was quickly whisked to a safe location behind 14-foot thick concrete walls, where the raucous laughter of the Canadians could not penetrate.
Early reports indicate Trump was shaken by the brazen attack on his truly awful, and vanishingly small acting career, but was otherwise unhurt.
The heightened tensions between the two former allies come at a difficult time, in which Canada is continuing to act like a normal country, and the United States is being led by that guy from Home Alone 2.
Military observers say TV Seal Team Six hasn’t been deployed since someone was needed to catch the paper towels Donald Trump threw at Puerto Ricans in the wake of Hurricane Maria. Though the team was reportedly put on standby earlier this year, when Melania Trump appeared to be close to defecting to Canada to join Team Trudeau.
Reached for comment, Canadians responded by laughing. Long, hard, breathless laughter.
“Because,” as one man put it as he leaned into the wind in downtown Montreal, on his way to work on the last day of this truly bizarre decade, “What else is there to do?”