“Sure I could just send an email, or descend from heaven in a blaze of light, smiting people left and right until I get some Me-damned attention around here,” says Jehovah The Most High, Lord Of Moses, Abraham, and Jacob. “But I’m the burning bush God for Chrissakes. Everyone knows that.”
Having appeared in the form of a burning bush in thousands of locations over the past decade – from the Canadian Rockies, to the coast of California, and most recently in every other tree in Australia – in a desperate attempt to warn humanity to stop ruining the only habitable planet He put within reach, God says He really feels like He’s done everything He can.
“Short of sending Moses back down with a new tablet. And if I do that again, this time I’m going to keep it really simple: Don’t be an asshole. Not to yourselves. Not to each other. And most of all not to the planet.”
When it’s pointed out that the enormously destructive fires currently sweeping Australia seem like a horribly violent way to get His message across, God appears to teeter on the edge of an Old Testament-level rage.
“Maybe,” He says, through gritted mountain ranges, “If you guys hadn’t toasted half the planet in your search for ever more luxurious ways to avoid walking or otherwise employing the perfectly good bodies I gave you, I wouldn’t have set half a country on fire when I appeared in a dead rhododendron.”
He then goes on to point out that despite His original fiery message having spread to more than 16 million acres of Australia, “Billions of people, including the Australian prime minister himself, still don’t seem to be getting it.”