“Or even just emptive action, that would be fine too,” says Ty Misrun-Inought, just one of the 8 out of every 10 Americans who agree that human activity is fuelling climate change. “I mean, we’re clearly in the shit now, just ask Australia, so it’s a little late to be ‘pre’ anything at this stage. We’re actually getting awfully close to ‘post.’ And that’s only a good thing if you’re talking about sports seasons, or Malones.”
Bellicose when it comes to bombing foreign countries with as-yet unclear evidence of an imminent threat, Mr. Trump has so far been a non-starter when it comes to battling climate change. This despite the global forest fires now burning year round, in a dystopian remake of the movie Endless Summer; glaciers disappearing faster than ice in his sixth Coke Zero of the morning; and the Mississippi Delta no longer shining like a national guitar, having turned into a monolithic flood plain of muddy brown water.
“So what’s he waiting for? He doesn’t even need to use drones, he can literally just legislate renewable energy targets for his nation,” chimed in thousands of people from Canada, listening in from behind the privacy hedge they erected in 2016, to shield themselves from the rising dumb. “It wouldn’t even be unilateral. Unlike the Iranian situation, we’ll join you on this one.”
“That ruddy orange plonker is obsessed with legacy,” opined a man in Glasgow, pausing in the drinking of his pint to lobby for positive action out of the least positive, or active, president the United States has ever had.
“What better way to never be forgotten than leading the way towards saving civilization? Yes we’ll still remember you as a pussy-grabbing shitgibbon of a vanity president,” he says, speaking directly to an imagined Donald Trump, sat on the barstool beside him.
“But you’ll also be the pussy-grabbing, shitgibbon narcissist who saved the world in spite of your utter lack of moral fibre or redemptive qualities whatsoever. And that, my wee tangerine, is something you could hang your ridiculous red tie on.”
And then from Australia, a young lady in a caravan of cars escaping Victoria, added this:
“I know how to get him to make a preemptive strike against climate change,” she said, looking out the window at the adjacent forest, much of it already burned from previous fires.
“Just tell him Obama couldn’t do it.”