***The following article contains graphic descriptions of government officials purchasing food. Reader discretion is advised.***
In what many are already calling the darkest moment in Canadian history, late last night Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed wildly-circulating rumors that he ordered as many as 7 pizzas from a local Winnipeg restaurant. He also admitted some of them may have had pineapple on them. Pineapple is a fruit.
Ostensibly purchased to feed himself and his cabinet as they congregated at a retreat in Manitoba – the focus of which is standardizing the global spelling of St. John’s/St. Johns/Saint Johns – the PM reportedly didn’t even consider getting frozen pizzas from the supermarket instead. Experts estimate this would have saved $4.8 trillion, money that could have been used to buy Alberta a new oil field, or to finally build a much-needed bridge from Newfoundland to Grand Bahama.
“Where does that guy get off?” asked a man named John McQuarrie, out walking his dog in Saskatoon. “First he buys some doughnuts. From a store! Doesn’t even think of growing some wheat, crushing his own sugar cane, fashioning a bowl out of a tree stump, and baking the doughnuts himself over an open fire at midnight on the winter solstice like ordinary Canadians do. And then he just ups and orders some pizzas, over the telephone, like it’s no big deal. La-di-da. Must be nice to be that out of touch.”
McQuarrie isn’t alone in having nothing better to do with his time than watch his dog poop in the snow while considering the grievous damage Trudeau has done to this country by eating things. As many as 0.09% of Canadians polled were outraged to learn the PM left his crusts, and 100% of those who identify as Wexiters said that this was tantamount to Trudeau personally assaulting all 37 million Canadians by slapping them in the face with a slice of four cheese.
“I demand the prime minister’s immediate resignation,” said outgoing Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer, after learning there were no leftovers, and that the pizzas were purchased without a national referendum having been held on the matter.
“With billions of Canadians perishing every year from pizza-deficiency, Mr. Trudeau continues to show what an urban elitist he is by ordering food that comes in cardboard boxes like that’s a totally normal thing to do. Our country is in extreme danger, and faced with a stark choice: Liberals who regularly eat things, or Conservatives who will not.”
For his part Trudeau was unrepentant, saying he enjoyed the pizzas, and further stoking the raging fires of controversy by saying that next time he might go so far as to try the pear and blue cheese toppings. Together. On a dinner pie. A move that would would almost certainly bring Canada to the brink of civil peace.