In a midday press conference to update an anxious world on the spread of the coronavirus, the WHO added a new statistic to the usual numbers: the number of people who might have a sore throat, they aren’t sure, but it has been a little scratchy lately now that they stop and think about it all the time.
“When I focus on my throat,” says Howie Hughes, one of the millions of Canadians currently in isolation, “And think about it constantly while washing my hands, and disinfecting my house, and telling my neighbours to get the hell back inside, then yeah, you know what? It does feel a little bit sore. I think?”
Doctors say that the extreme rise in numbers of people with Understandable Psychosomatic Hypochondriac Tendencies (UNCALM for short) is, of course, entirely down to everyone worrying all the time about catching, and then spreading, the coronavirus.
“But no. 7.7 billion people do not currently have COVID-19,” says Dr. Seddleinn, head of the UK’s Centre For Saving The World, Again. “Despite the fact they had to clear their throat ten minutes ago, have a slight ache in their left calf, and sneezed four times yesterday.”
The doctor did go on to say that if ever there had been a good time to overreact to a possible sniffle, now is precisely it. And that those who have even the slightest doubt about that (again, that’s everyone) should just #staythefuckhome.