Reached For Comment, Coronavirus Says It’s Also Very In Favour Of Reopening The Economy Immediately

img_4473As calls in many nations grow to reopen the economy as quickly as possible – curves, consequences, and transmission rates be damned – support for the initiative has come from a not-unexpected quarter: that of the International League of Coronaviruses, Local COVID-19. 

“If you ask us, we don’t know why you closed it down in the first place,” a spokesparasite for the novel coronavirus said, after being reached for comment while trapped in the elevator of a quiet office building. “You wouldn’t believe how hard it’s made it for us to spread. We would greatly appreciate it if you would all just return to focussing on the money you could be making, goods you could be exchanging, and speaking you could be uttering moistly.”

While many governments of the world have sworn they are not working on behalf of the disease, that their actions would seem to say otherwise has led to accusations of complicity between certain presidents and the virus itself. 

“No,” the spokesparasite answered, when asked if it the coronavirus is dictating policy decisions on how to prevent the spread of the coronavirus in countries like the United States, which now has over 600,000 reported cases of the disease, and growing. “It just looks that way.”

Noting the increasing number of politicians and pundits who are calling for the economy to be immediately unfettered in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and other nations where being the loudest asshole is considered a career move, the coronavirus says it has never been more optimistic about its future. 

“It wasn’t looking good for a minute there, we’ll admit,” one microscopic parasite named Suriv Anoroc says. “You think your economic forecasts took a downturn? You should see the growth curve we were on before you guys preventatively locked everything down. I had to tell my kids they weren’t likely to make it to Christmas, much less get presents. Those were dark times for a start-up virus, I have to say.”

“But with all of this talk of immediately throwing people back into office buildings, schools, food courts, and gyms by the billions, the future is once again bright for droplet transmissible viruses with high contagion rates. And the economy. Of course. You just keep focussing on that economy of yours.”




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18 replies »

  1. Reblogged this on Robby Robin's Journey and commented:
    Paul Duncan at Out and Abouter has done it again. The title of this piece says it all, but the rest is as funny as ever, if anything about the coronavirus can be funny. Hopefully all decision makers will read it and understand that it’s satire. The coronavirus is trying to trick you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You were on the money with piece until the end when you talked about gyms, schools etc etc. ‘The loudest assholes’ or at least most of them/us we only crying out for a somewhat flexible govt response to the crisis (more on that soon) and a far earlier move to level 3 (without schools). Why? Because if hundreds of thousands of essential workers, public in supermarkets and the known rule breakers are not transmitting the disease (reference the near zero mystery cases) the why would any rational person think the ADULTS (not children as we are being treated) in the construction, foresty and manufacturing sectors would transmit to each other? It defies belief. This govt made a huge error in leadership in making long term decisions at the outset of a crises, when by nature, knowledge grows as fast as an unchecked virus in a crisis and you cannot afford to make long term and rigid decisions. The lack of regard for Australia’s success at a genuine level 3 in controlling the pandemic by media, politicians and experts is bizarre. Admittedly their contact tracing is superior but we don’t know how much of a role that plays (I don’t believe it does) but that just shines a light on our incompetence of ramping our own contact tracing up. You blog is potentially on point if referencing champions of level 2 only (Sweden may well prove you wrong though) but if misinterpreted is just more fodder for the righteous Jacindamania fans. The past 2 generations of this country have not had to earn their civil liberties All the while having their reference point for adversity wildly skewed by unprecedented quality of life, and therefore sleepwalk through this Nanny state handling of the virus. Lastly, consider this. Any commentator, politician, member of the media who would inconceivably think or reference Spain, the US, UK, Italy etc when justifying NZs response to this pandemic needs to reflect. Would I be taken seriously if I said the ChCh earthquake would have had equally devastating effects of it occurred on Stewart island. I won’t go into the technicalities as they should be obvious. Do I also take this situation seriously? Yes. Am I also horrified at this governments treatment of New Zealanders as meek little children, of whole industries as incompetent and irresponsible, and of the majority of New Zealanders to lap it up while remove their comments functionality? Yes.


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