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Optimistic Ted Cruz Says Texans Can Expect A Return To Normal Levels Of Gun Violence By April

Ted Cruz tells reporters he wishes both his hands could transform into guns whenever he said the words “hands turn into guns now”.

Just two days after the mask mandate in Texas officially came to an end, Senator Ted Cruz has issued yet another indication that death is returning to normal in the lone cell state, when he issued a statement to his constituents early this morning. It read: “Lock and load. Shoot ’em if you got ’em. Masks off, muzzles up, we about to light this mofo back up.”

A follow-up statement said the junior senator regretted the use of the word mofo while referring to the proud state of Texas, but that otherwise stands by his green-lighting a return to pre-pandemic levels of gunplay (gun violence, as it is referred to in normal places).

The sunshine announcement comes as the Republicans position themselves, once again, as the only thing stopping Americans from not dying by hot flying lead on any given day, in any given place. Specifically in this case from the tyranny Democrats are proposing, of making existing background checks long enough to be effective, and actually applicable to guns sold in gun shows. Two ideas that are so out there they call into question whether Democrats are even living on the same spinning gunship as the rest of us.

“Not one inch,” Cruz asked, when asked if he minded publicly sharing the length of his penis. He was quick to say he meant in regards to how much ground he and his fellow Republicans would give on the issue of keeping America dangerous, not the measured reach of his manhood, nor limits to the depth of his personality.

Experts say that as the United States gets back to some semblance of everyday life, a return to normal levels of avoidable mortality should also be expected.

“We’ve just watched many in this nation shrug off half-a-million deaths, and counting, if it meant they had to wear a piece of cloth over their faces and skip restaurants for a little while,” says Really Preventable Death expert, Dr. Aru Khitting.


“There’s no way you’re going to convince the same people (and yes they largely are the same people), to put down their guns just to save an indefinite continuation of school shootings.”





Categories: News

6 replies »

  1. glad to have you back!

    On Fri, Mar 12, 2021 at 8:51 AM The Out And Abouter wrote:

    > Paul Duncan posted: ” Ted Cruz tells reporters he wishes both his hands > could transform into guns whenever he said the words “hands turn into guns > now”. Just two days after the mask mandate in Texas officially came to an > end, Senator Ted Cruz has issued yet another indicat” >

    Like

  2. Yeah. On twitter, I got several alternate reasons for the sea levels changing. I think they finally realized that I didn’t care. I’m in the midwest right now anyway. 🙂

    Like

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